“Through violence, you may ‘solve’ one problem, but you sow the seeds for another.”
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Dalai Lama #009
“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”
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Dalai Lama #005
“Optimism doesn’t mean that you are blind to the reality of the situation. It means that you remain motivated to seek a solution to whatever problems arise.”
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Dalai Lama #003
“There are always problems to face, but it makes a difference if our minds are calm.”
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Dalai Lama #002
“If you think you’re too small to make a difference… try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.”
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Dalai Lama #001
“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
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Got Carrots?
One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems – the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.
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What’s a Kraken
Stars 4 – Kraken 2 > answer = LifeSucx
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More on Hockey
Street hockey is great for kids. It’s energetic, competitive, and skillful. And best of all, it keeps them off the street.
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Best NHL Record
Boston Bruins = LifeSucx
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Sunday = Fun Day
Bring on the Chores and a Little Hockey – LifeSucx
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Boston Bruins
FLA Bound = LifeSucx
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NY Rangers
1928, 1933, 1940, and 1994 / LifeSucx
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Long Monday =
Longer Tuesday —- LifeSucx
Knock! Knock! Who’s There? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in and you’ll find out.
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Drop – The Mikey
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Mikey. Mikey who? Mikey isn’t working, can you let me in?
Q: What’s scarier than Friday the 13th?
A: Monday the 16th.
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to know.
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Figs. Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Confucius say: Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning” ~ Ray Romano
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Today’s LifeSucx:
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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Today’s LifeSucx:
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Confucius say: Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it” ~ W.C. Fields
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license” ~ Larry the Cable Guy
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“My wife only has sex with me for a purpose… Last night she used me to time an egg” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.” ~ Groucho Marx
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?” ~ George Carlin
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today” ~Johnny Carson
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab” ~Rodney Dangerfield
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~ W.C. Fields
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
~ Steve Martin
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
~ Groucho Marx
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
~ David Lee Roth
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Angry Guy Says:
“I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work…”
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Angry Guy Says:
“If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $7.86 now…”
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Angry Guy Says:
“What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it”
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LifeSucx Advice:
“A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper…”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in…”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer. Don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it”
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Words to Live By
“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” –
George Washington – 1st US President
“It’s Not A Lie If You Believe It.” – George Costanza
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Friday – On Monday
“I know ya don’t smoke weed, I know this. But I’m gonna get you high today cause it’s Friday, you ain’t got no job and you ain’t got shit to do.” ― Smokey
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean: against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people”
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Once Upon A Time In The West:
“How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders, a man who can’t even trust his pants?”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I always take life with a grain of salt…. and a slice of lemon…. and a shot of tequila”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen…”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce…”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I started out with nothing and I still have most of it”
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Words to live by?
Get Money – Get Laid – Get Drunk
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Cupid Says
“Give me another Arrow – I missed the mark that time”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I asked our IT guy, “How do you make a motherboard?” and he said, “I tell her about my job.”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple”
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Superbowl Sunday:
The phrase, ”I’m not drinking too much during tonight’s game”, never goes as planned…
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The Big Game
One Tequila, Two Tequila, Floor
“How can I forget – When there is So Much to Remember” – Alzheimer’s Patient
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Stay Green
“As long as you’re green you’re growing, as soon as you’re ripe you start to rot.” – Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald’s
Let the Game Begin! – After 6-Days of Media Hype and Fidelity
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Mark Twain Say’s
“Clothes do not merely make the man…clothes are the man.”
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Mt. Washington = Cold
LifeSucx
Time for the Modelo Stroll
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Angry Guy Says:
“My wife is such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer”
That’s it – That’s enough
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Angry Guy Says:
“I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of lip balm. She still isn’t talking to me”
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Angry Guy Says:
“You know you are ugly when it comes to the company photo and they hand you the camera”
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Angry Guy Says:
“When I was a kid, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt twice a day in order to survive… It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.”
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After the Game–
“The Winner – Won!” – Anonymous Spectator
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?”
(Your Team)
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?”
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Angry Guy Says:
“My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people…”
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Angry Guy Says:
“It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do…”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“If each day is a “gift”, I’d like to know where I can return the Monday”
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Angry Guy Says:
“A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is, one is heavy and the other is a little lighter”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Smoking will kill you… bacon will kill you… and yet, smoking bacon will cure it”
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Angry Guy Says:
“The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are”
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Road Trip?
Cash and a Car – All you need.
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El Heffe Says
You don’t have to Go Home – You just Can’t Stay Here
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Angry Guy Says:
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Our thoughts and prayers today are with Damar Hamlin of the Buffalo Bills”
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Happy New Year:
“My New Year’s resolution is to read more, so I’ve turned on Closed Caption on my TV”
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End of Year
Let’s Go One More Time Around The Block
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Angry Guy Says:
“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 87%”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Well, the Christmas holiday is behind us. This New Year’s, try not to make any pour decisions.”
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Angry Guy Says:
“My nephew dressed up as an elf this Christmas and sang… he is quite the wrapper!”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in”
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Bathroom Humor
“There Goes Einstein!” by El’ Heffe
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Angry Guy Says:
“It was so cold outside this morning that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!”
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Happy Monday:
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness”
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El’ Heffe Says..
“Always obey your parents when they are present.” Twain
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Angry Guy Says:
“Christmas is just like a day at the office: you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!”
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El’ Heffe Says…..
“Life is between Coffee and Wine“
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Angry Guy Says:
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was nine. My Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
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Angry Guy Says:
“It was so cold this morning my phone’s weather app froze!”
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Inappropriate Mom’s say..
“So tell me…..What’s his Shoe Size!”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“All football players are temperamental, 90% temper and 10% mental”
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El’ Heffe Says…
Beer – It’s not just for Breakfast Anymore
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Jason Bourne (aka Robert Ludlum) says
“It’s the killer, Not the whore – Who must be Stopped”
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El’ Heffe Says…
“This Holiday Season Give a Gift – Try and not being Yourself”
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Angry Guy Says:
“I’m a pickleball addict on the road to recovery. Just kidding, I’m on the road to the pickleball courts.”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Can you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country, have one goal!”
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U.S. Grant Said…
“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most”
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Happy Cyber Monday:
“After a heavy meal on thanksgiving, the most rewarding cardio exercise is pushing a loaded cart at the shopping mall.”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn’t quit cold turkey.”
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Advice from a Baker –
“Time to Make the Doughnuts”
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Thinking of Dancing?
“Three Days Away – No Ballet!”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.”
“Wealth is Relative to the Time one has to Enjoy it”
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What The…….
“Tooth Pain…………….Enough Said”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Stay away from negative people, they have a problem for every solution”
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An Oldie but a Goodie
“I picked a Bad Day to Quit Smoking” – Airplane the Movie
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More from El’ Heffe
Patience – Something you are not born with – But must learn!
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El’ Heffe Says
One Tequila – Two Tequila – Three Tequila – FLOOR!
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Angry Guy Says:
“I like watching football games on Sunday when I’m at the barber. The coverage is the same but the highlights are better.”
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Angry Guy Says:
“When I was younger, I really wanted to be a banker…but I kept losing interest.”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.”
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El’ Heffe Muses –
Bulls Make Money, Bears Make Money – Pigs Get Slaughtered
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Angry Guy Says:
“Don’t you just hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do!”
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El’ Heffe Quip
You can’t Argue with a man who Agrees with you
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Sometimes life just sucks, and all we can do is go to our happy place where we plot our revenge.”
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El’ Heffe Says:
When visiting family – “First their talking to me, Then their talking about me, Then I am talking to myself”
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Angry Guy Says:
“Free advice is worth what you paid for it.”
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Today’s Sigh…
“I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last month when someone stole my identity and it ruined their credit score.”
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Today’s LifeSucx:
“Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”
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Today’s Advice:
“If the world didn‘t suck, we‘d fall off.”
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Angry Guy Says:
“As much as life can suck, it always beats the alternative.”
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Angry Guy Says:
“First , they called me Cheap… Now they call me Green!”
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Today’s Sigh…
“You never find a lost item until you replace it.”
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Today’s LifeSucx
“Smile… Tomorrow will be worse.”
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Today’s Advice
“Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.”